May 28

May 28 I Hate Ring Fit Adventure (But I Love How It Makes Me Feel)

Enough has already been said about the strange world we have been living in so I will put it plainly right now: things have been a bit shit. A lot of us have found ourselves with more time and more anxiety than we could have possibly dreamed of. For me this time has been a double-edged sword in that yes, I can stay up till stupid-o’clock-in-the-morning trying to farm Oarfish on Animal Crossing so I can have enough bells to buy that shiny new shower booth for my virtual bathroom, but because of this I feel like a festering, chocolate smudged slug doing so. To combat this atrophy, I turned to an old adversary of mine: Ring Fit Adventure.

It may be because I haven’t seen grass in a month, but man does that grass look comfy.

I bought Ring Fit when it was first released back in October last year because I was fascinated by the natural evolution of the Wii Fit. I could see the potential, mainly by its innovative peripherals, but I quickly became disinterested for one key reason - the adventure mode.

The bread and butter of the whole experience is objectively bad. There is little to no logic in what is going on or why our character is there in the first place. The main villain is an overtly sexy dragon called Drageux (and what a name Drageux is, it has a sexy French fragrance to it that I think really— okay, I have gone off-topic here). Drageux seems to have the sole motivation of getting as sexy as possible, a motivation that doesn’t quite justify retribution (plus it’s working... hot damn…). However, the bigger issue is that our partner on this journey is the most annoying companion to have ever graced video games. Every single sound uttered by Ring, an anthropomorphic circle, sounds like it has been lifted from a very poorly written children’s cartoon, spoken in such an offensively positive tone that it made me want to hurl this overcompensating pilates ring out of the window.

Drageux making Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson look like… well, me I guess.

But that was back in October when I could get on a train, go for a run out in the country or choose to not exercise and stay in my house like the gremlin I enjoy being. Fast forward 6 months to me going stir-crazy stuck indoors, and Ring Fit has suddenly filled the void missing in my life: a routine.

Every day, I now put on my workout gear and dive into this strange, colourful world and am immediately lifted away from the drudge and miserable anxiety of the news cycle, twitter feuds and necessary quarantining. I soon find myself jogging through vast meadows filled with fantastical creatures, rafting atop white water rapids and swinging across giant platforms, almost tasting that fresh crisp air.

Throughout each of the main levels, you stumble into an array of different coloured enemies, these colours will determine what skills you will use. To beat them, you have to perform different exercises, with some levels even having a recommended skill to focus on one part of the body throughout that 10 minute section. The combat is turn-based so there is no time pressure to start attacking; you take each phase as and when you are ready. But that doesn’t mean the combat is a slouch - it is anything but. This system cleverly tricks you into high-intensity interval training (or HIIT as the fit people call it) as your attacks are split into different sets of moves. For example, to beat a blue enemy quickly you have to use leg skills, so you might have to do a set of 30 squats. If I was told in a gym setting that I had to perform 30 squats in a row, I would tell that person to kindly fuck off and eat the biggest packet of Doritos I could find, yet if doing 30 squats means a quicker victory in battle, I am all in.

Ring Fit taps into that primal video game brain we all possess, constantly analysing what the best strategic move is best to overcome that obstacle. The difference is that instead of selecting a move and watching on the sidelines as your avatar destroys a nameless grunt, you yourself have to put the work in to make sure that move is as impactful as possible, and work you will. The power of the move is determined by the intensity and form in which you perform it - so no half-assing it.

Ring Fit has the audacity of making you actually move your body and then enjoy moving your body.

By the end of a session, which in my case ranges from 20-30 minutes of exercise time depending on the skill type (I can run for days but the moment I have to engage my upper body I am ground into a fine dust) you are a crumpled, sweaty mess on the floor. An accomplished crumpled, sweaty mess on the floor! Not only have you further thwarted that gorgeous dragon but you have pushed yourself physically in ways you wouldn’t have the motivation for in everyday life. You feel so good that even that piece of shit Ring Con’s overly enthused mannerisms starts to rub off on you. When they are screaming encouragement and telling you “your sweat is so shiny and beautiful” it makes you feel exactly that - shiny and beautiful.

Ring Fit has even wormed its way into other aspects of my life. I have cut down on my beer intake, I am choosing to eat healthier foods and I am snacking infinitely less than I was even before the world decided to put humanity on a time-out. Within my friendship circle, we discuss moves, share our progress and bemoan enemies like a group of Souls enthusiasts, except we’re not slaying Bell Gargoyles with well-timed strikes, we’re heaving our way through mountain-climbers to best an enemy yoga mat. I feel fitter, stronger, more positive and more capable than I thought possible from any activity, let alone a video game with a god-awful story and an infuriating companion. But that’s the beauty of Ring Fit Adventure; even though there is so much to hate when thinking about it as a video game, I simply love how it makes me feel.