Branford Hubbard's Very Gamer Christmas Carol | Winter Spectacular 2024
Thank you for joining me, dear reader, during startmenu.co.uk’s Winter Spectacular. Here we talk of the year past, hope for the future, and commune with faces old and new. Grab a drink, put on a festive sweater, and help yourself to a Cinnamon Cacodemon cookie. You may also join me by the virtual fireside for a tale of three friends, and the strange GAMER Christmas night they had.
Prologue: A Celebration of Life
It was a beautiful day, snow graced the landscape, and a chill lingered in the air. “Please sir, spare some Robux? V-Bucks? Pre-orders of Grand Theft Auto VI?” a raspy voice asked. “Not this again…” Thought Xbox, as he sighed. The other man travelling with him turned around and addressed the slovenly gamer. “Listen, bud, you’re not the only one having a hard year, do you know how many employees I had to lay off? How many thoughts and prayers I had to put out into this world?!?”, PlayStation said with a rising voice, causing the seductive Samus shirt-wearing gamer to shrink and look down. Nintendo looked at PlayStation and then at the gamer a few times, then sighed. The three continued to move through the city as the gamer mumbled something about it being time to do his dailies anyway. They soon reached their destination.
It was an unassuming building, even more so with the snow draped over it as if it were a cloak shielding it from the weather and chaos outside the establishment. The three entered.
“It’s just like I remembered. Even after all this time!”, Xbox exclaimed, eyeing out the bar. Nintendo wordlessly jumped and grinned in excitement, as PlayStation went to the headwaiter, who looked like she didn’t just have a long day, but long entire year. “Our usual table, please,” PlayStation said to the woman, who was almost nonreactive. “Usual table, who the f-” The headwaiter started, before seeing a text from her boss and muttering curses under her breath. “Ah, I see sir, right this way.” The headwaiter said, her blue eyes, emotionless. The three sat down at a table close to the back of the restaurant, Xbox already had a stein of half-finished beer in his hand. This would be considered a good table by anyone - close to the restrooms and bar, views of a couple of different TVs showing the same damn Christmas shows they’d been showing since they probably opened, a nice view. But the reason Xbox, Nintendo, and PlayStation wanted this table wasn’t just because they were savvy diners.
“I can’t believe it’s been so long!”, PlayStation said, as he clinked glasses with Nintendo and PlayStation, Xbox with his fourth stein of beer, and Nintendo with a virgin mocktail Jack & Coke Zero. Nintendo nodded in agreement, and Xbox laughed. “Yeah, it’s been…10 years? I guess ‘console wars’ really do take it out of you, huh!?”, Xbox belted out with a laugh. Nintendo let out a tiny laugh in agreement. “But you know…regardless of everything that’s happening, We said we’d meet this year, PlayStation said, slicing into a nearly raw steak. Nintendo showed her phone to the two, at the same time having sent the news story to them simultaneously. The article was titled ‘Rest in Piece, Dreamcast - 22 years’.
“Dreamcast, despite what we had to do in public, was a good friend of ours”, Xbox said, followed by silence which allowed him to down another 8.45 gallons of X-Fuel, the last legal caffeinated alcoholic drink in the United States. PlayStation looked at them both and said nothing. Nintendo made an inhuman noise and wiped innumerable tears from her eyes. PlayStation, trying to uplift the mood, then said “But we’re still here. Gaming is stronger than ever. ‘There has never been a better time to be a gamer’, right? That was the promise we made to Dreamcast, yeah?”. PlayStation reached over to put a hand to Xbox’s shoulder, and the other to Nintendo’s. The night continued with lots of drinks, some laughter and tears.
“Last Call! It’s frickin’ Christmas, folks!” A surly voice yelled from behind the bar. Nintendo was the first to get up, beckoning to the others. “Not a chance, Nintendo, you paid the bill last time!” PlayStation retorted, slowly rising from the leftovers of his many extravagant plates. Xbox, returned from the restroom, smirking, “The bill? I took care of it 2 hours ago!”, his off-kilter walk matching his speech. Nintendo and PlayStation looked at each other and laughed. ‘Can’t win ‘em all’, PlayStation thought to himself as they started to exit the bar.
They each received a call from an unknown number. PlayStation and Xbox, used to ignoring that which they didn’t have to deal with, let it ring until it went to a voicemail that didn’t accept messages. Nintendo, however, answered it. Her eyes went wide as the person on the phone said something which was unbelievable. She looked at her two friends before putting the mystery caller on speaker. “THANK YOU FOR PUTTING ME ON SPEAKER. MY IDENTITY ISN’T IMPORTANT. I HOPE YOU THREE ARE LISTENING”, The caller said with a mechanical voice. PlayStation sighed as Xbox whispered to Nintendo, “We’ve talked about this, stop picking up the phone unless it’s your investor call -” but was interrupted, “YOU’LL WANT TO LISTEN TO THIS, THE FUTURE of PLAYSTATION, XBOX, AND NINTENDO ARE AT STAKE HERE.” The anonymised voice threatened. PlayStation and Xbox’s gazes met, while Nintendo found herself shaking with fear. Xbox had already messaged his tech team to record and track the call, so although it was a pain, they’d listen to what this ‘big shot’ had to say.
“TONIGHT, YOU WILL BE VISITED BY SPIRITS, GHOSTS OF THE INDUSTRY YOU CLAIM TO KNOW SO WELL.” The voice continued, causing Xbox to accidentally let out a guttural laugh while PlayStation was bent over, smiling. The caller said nothing as the air remained tense, Nintendo still lost in her terror. After a minute and a half, PlayStation spoke up, “So…was there anything else?” This caused the caller to hang up. This wasn’t the strangest call they’d gotten - afterall, they had all been on the phone with Bobby Kotick at one point or another before. “Nintendo, it was just a robocall. You’ve been at it longer than us, hah”, PlayStation said, coaxing Nintendo out of her funk.
It was late, so late that even if it weren’t Christmas Eve, most everything would be closed. So they all went their separate ways. Nintendo had brought her Segway made out of LABO cardboard and was the first to get home. PlayStation’s chauffeur had stuck around and brought the slick, limited edition Koenigsegg One around. Xbox left in an Uber, too drunk to tip. “What am I supposed to do with 5 days of Game Pass?”, the driver grumbled.
As PlayStation got home, he received a call, ‘What’s with the call this early in the morning?’ He thought to himself. He picked up the phone, “Cratchit. It has to be Cratchit.”, said with a flat tone. “Yes sir, I hope you’re having a good night sir.” The nearly-panicked voice on the phone said. PlayStation said nothing, and took another swig of his mixed drink. “Sir, I wouldn’t call if it weren’t important, the employees -” Cratchit said, “They’re making mistakes left and right. Not world-ending mistakes, but half the controllers have stick-drift, and just announced another remake of The Last Of Us somehow…”. PlayStation rubbed his temples before sighing, “Let me guess, it’s Christmas Eve, and people want to go to their families? You knew what you were signing up for in this industry, haven’t you heard about all the layoffs? Do I need to say more? Tell you what, fine, everyone can go home, but 1) You can’t use your leave and 2) We’ll be crunching on Horizon Smash Hero Shooter (Name Pending, Trademark Pending) until Spring.” PlayStation said, sounding annoyed. “Thank you, Sir, I know this hasn’t been the best year, but I promise, It’ll be a hit just like Astrobot! Thank you!”, Cratchit exclaimed, before hanging up. PlayStation put the phone down, mumbling, “I don’t get paid enough for this…” While sleep was a luxury for such a busy and important console, PlayStation thought four hours would do it.
GAMER Past: Remastered Edition
PlayStation found himself dreamless once again and woke up after a few minutes. Or so he thought. As he entered his kitchen to get a glass of water, he ended up thinking to himself: “Not this dream again.”. Instead of his actual, top-of-the-line Frigidaire Professional 66 Side by Side Refrigeration Pair, it was a two-dimensional fridge. “I know we betrayed 2D games for 3D, but this is ridiculous…”, PlayStation moaned as he hoped he would actually wake up soon. “This isn’t a dream.” A strangely familiar voice barked as PlayStation looked around.
“Hey, it’s me! Y’know, a lot of people have a problem with the whole ‘live service and/or only sad dad games that take an entire console cycle to make now’, but not me!”, the voice said, as PlayStation turned around. And what he saw shocked him, to say the least.
“No, I TOTALLY get it. What you’re setting up for is the POLYGON MAN CINEMATIC AND GAMING UNIVERSE! It’s brilliant! I was wondering why I wasn’t getting any calls, or texts, or carrier pigeons after the whole ‘PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale’ thing - bee tee dubs, when’s the next one coming out?” The floating, purple, polygonal head continued while darting to and fro through the kitchen. PlayStation paused and said “I’m going insane. Excuse me”, as he rushed through a door that wasn’t there previously.
PlayStation somehow ended up outside and not in any of his seven bedrooms, eight bathrooms, three powder rooms, or 14 PS3 USB outlets. Instead, he found himself in someplace vaguely familiar. “Yep, we’re here!”, Polygon Man said with a gleeful tone. PlayStation started to panic as he realised this may not just be a dream. ‘You’ve had PR training for even the most gamer-est of chuds, brand managers who didn’t know their ass from their leg. Just figure out what he wants and tell him we have nothing to announce as of today and send him on his way’, PlayStation thought to himself. PlayStation still could not place the building he was in front of, but he knew he had been here before.
“So, we’re here because I’m playing the role of - wait a sec” Polygon Man said, seemingly forgetting something “Oh, wait ‘Finders fix for Furthest Fortitude, Finders….’ ” Polygon Man continued as if he didn’t have a care in the world. PlayStation decided to approach the strangely familiar building, hoping to escape Polygon Man. “So, I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past! Not really, it’s more of a temporary gig, y’know? You’d think with the big push for AI in Hollywood, or that Secret Level thing I’d get more work after PSABR (that’s what the kids call it), I’d be up for more roles, but I get it. Some of the most misunderstood actors of their time - Adam West, Ian Holmes, Robert Downey Jr. didn’t get their due in -” Polygon Man went on as he noticed PlayStation had entered the building and pursued him.
PlayStation was shocked, somehow in this building was the PlayStation of old - faces he recognised. “This can’t be happening…”, PlayStation said almost instinctively. “But it is! And we’re here!” Polygon Man confirmed. “All of these has-beens - Crash Bandicoot, Spyro the Dragon, Fat Princess, whatever those Killzone guys are called!” Polygon Man continued, “They’re in your past, PlayStation, and I say, good riddance! Y’know, I’ve been working on my ‘sad dad’ and I’ve got a really great pitch. I’m thinking: ‘The Last Horizon of Us: Part IV through X’. PlayStation could not find words and tried to run, attempting to grab the woefully underpaid Crash Bandicoot mascot, only to find his hands pass straight through the orange-costumed fellow as if he weren’t actually there. “Tell me what the hell is going on here”, PlayStation demanded, as the mascot smoked a cigarette, complaining about his medical bills, seemingly unaware of PlayStation. “Sorry, I forgot to mention - we’re in the past, you can’t interact with any of them, PlayStation”, Polygon Man said with some misguided glee in his voice. “BUT, that leaves more time for us!”, Polygon Man continued. PlayStation looked around and saw even more of their IPs: Parappa the Rapper, Dart from Legend of Dragoon fame, that kid from Ape Escape.
PlayStation thought to himself, as his eyes went wide, “So…all we have left is this Polygon fuck? No, no, no…we’ve got Horizon, we’ve got…”, Polygon Man saw PlayStation was grappling with something internally, and said with laughter, “I was trying to tell you before, old pal! You’ve lost the rights to Crash and Spyro, no one cares about some middling platformer stars, and soon you’ll lose or forget about God of War, Horizon, and Astrobot - who needs ‘em?” PlayStation swallowed,“So, you’re telling me…because we didn’t maintain these old IPs, all we have left is…you?” Polygon Man, quickly butted in, “Yes, yes, and yes! It’s great news, isn’t it? Kids like that ‘Roblox’ game, don’t they? It’s time for me to shine, even if it took decades!” Polygon Man stated without a hint of sarcasm. PlayStation started to scream as he rushed out of the building.
GAMER Present: Bespoke Success
Nintendo, having gone without alcohol, had a smooth Segway ride home. Never one to be far from home, she was able to get comfortable under her Mario-branded Snuggie with some warm milk. Ever the health-conscious console, she followed it up with a treat in the form of hot cocoa before she found herself drifting off to sleep in her prototype Giant Alarmo/Sleep Pod.
Nintendo found herself in another peaceful dream, seeing the many Miis she'd made friends with over the year, but there was one she didn't recognise. She thought about it, as he grew in size and changed his shape. His arms became heavy as anvils, his shoes curled at the toes. His eyes became beady and pink bags formed under them. His belly grew as if he was inflating. The yellow and purple-clad figure approached her, to her horror. "It's a-me, Wario!", The comically proportioned man said flatly.
“You might be saying, Wario, what’re you doing here?”, Wario said as he approached Nintendo, who was still in shock. “Well, turns out Nintendo-Jail-Probation lasts quite a long time, yeah?”, Wario said, ushering Nintendo by the shoulders into a car that had just appeared. Nintendo appeared nonresponsive as she sunk into the seat - She wasn’t sure if she was dreaming still. “But, turns out, there are some opportunities like these, they called it the ‘Ghost of Christmas Present’ or something, where I can cut down on some of that time. Anyway, I’m supposed to show you the error of your ways, WAHAHA!”, Wario chuckled, as he started the gaudy vehicle.
Soon enough, they were going somewhere she wasn’t sure of. She didn’t think she was in danger, but this feeling was uncannily similar to something she remembered in 2014, she just couldn’t remember what.
They reached a stop light, and a giant display showed some pale, round men talking. The chyron read ‘Who’s Won the Console War?’. An unexpectedly high voice spoke, “Well, I mean yeah, Microsoft really blew it. Did Sony blow it too, though? This isn’t the freakin’ same Sony as Madame Web and Kraven, y’know? It’s PlayStation, Sony.” The camera switched to the equally pale man who he was talking to: “Sure, I mean…is that really it though? PlayStation can’t put out a game to save their lives, PS5 Pro is more like ‘PS5 No’, so what, Nintendo wins by default? This is… this is insane!”, he said without much enthusiasm, looking as if he were distracted by the newest mobile game. Nintendo’s unease melted a bit, as her shoulders dropped, and she smiled. Wario looked over as the light turned, and chuckled.
“…So yeah, turns out rigging Mario Party isn’t all that great of an idea, oh wait, here we are!”, Wario said, stopping the car suddenly. Nintendo, recovering from shock turned to the building before them. Wario opened her door, and she stepped out of the large vehicle with a lunge. “Yep, it’s a convention! I’m legally allowed to enter this one, you know what they say about silver linings”, Wario said, motioning her to enter the building. Nintendo hadn’t been to a convention in years, but they were always such fun, expressions of creativity, competent speedrunners and competitors showing what they could do live. Nintendo’s mood had improved greatly, as she hummed a tune and skipped into the convention with Wario not too far behind.
Nintendo was in awe of the cosplayers – Jinx from League of Legends, Eve from Stellar Blade, entire cosplay groups of Marvel Rivals teams. But what she didn’t see was Nintendo characters. She looked around and around, and made it her mission to find a Nintendo cosplayer. Nintendo gasped. She had spent the better part of an hour going from floor to floor of the convention and still didn’t see any. She did find Wario at a food stall that looked like it probably didn’t belong there, as it was crammed into the same space as a water fountain. Nintendo tugged at Wario’s sleeve. “Ah, the wonders of con food. You never know if it’ll get you sick, high, or just be overpriced. Want some?” Wario offered Nintendo a comically small chicken wing. Nintendo declined, shaking her head. She pulled out her phone and showed Wario a picture of Mario. “Oh, what are you trying to…cosplayers, I see”, Wario said, stroking his unnaturally styled whiskers. “Follow me, Nintendo.”
Wario led Nintendo into a part of the convention she wasn’t sure how she missed, and it felt…different. And finally, they saw a Link cosplayer, but something was wrong. “ON THE GROUND! YOU’VE BEEN CHARGED WITH UNOFFICIALLY COSPLAYING A NINTENDO™ character!”, Shouted a stern voice as the Link cosplayer suddenly hit the ground, with a number of well-dressed, suit-wearing people surrounding him. “Nintendo Lawyers. I mean, I get it, as someone who’s a legitimate businessman – Warioware Inc. and the royalties from the Mario Partys, the Mario Karts, WaPeach and Waluigi’s businesses, you have a legal right to metaphorically break someone’s kneecaps for this. Teach ‘em a lesson”, Wario said nonchalantly, as he took a bite of something that could generously be called a hot dog. “But, Nintendo, we know you’ve won the silly lil’ console war. Is all this really necessary? I mean look at me!”, Wario said, carelessly flinging chilli and mustard from his dog onto himself and the convention floor. “I didn’t just stop being a so-called ‘villain’, just because I got sent to the slammer, no - it just didn’t make sense standing in for Bowser every once in a blue moon when I could be sitting pretty with coin to spare.” Nintendo gasped, her hands found themselves on her cheeks, her mouth open. She thought, ‘Was this really what Nintendo was doing outside of games?’ She knew her American associates were mostly lawyers, but…
Nintendo turned to Wario, with a determined look on her face. “The Switch is killing it. You’ve got The Super Mario Bros. Movie (I’m waiting to hear back about the Wario movie, by the way), and you’re working on your second theme park expansion. A king, er,” Wario paused, correcting himself, “QUEEN, doesn’t need to be a tyrant. Have you seen that Marvel vs Capcom: Infinite & Beyond setup? Smash Bros. fans, Pokémon fans, have been trying that for years only to be met by DMCAs, tournament support one year and prosecution the next. Just some, er…food for thought.”
GAMER Future: All Your ‘X’ Are Belong To….
Xbox never got much sleep, but with the divorce proceedings coming up, and having to wine and dine the FTC for Activision Blizzard tomorrow, he would at least get three hours tonight, it was a holiday after all. The neon green room hummed as he tried to close his eyes. He thought he heard the door.
“Listen, if you’re looking for Bill Gates, you’ve…”, Xbox said, interrupted by a disturbing sight. A cloaked figure was floating before him, surrounded by the signature Xbox glow. “No, I know. We issued a public apology! We definitely have great plans for Activision Blizzard - what the hell!”, Xbox said as the cloaked figure made an inhuman sound and coughed up something that was as round as it was slimy. Xbox gathered himself, determined to confront the person before him, who was undoubtedly a crazed fanboy pulling a prank. “Ok, pal, who the heck are you? You’ve had your laugh, you know there’s cameras everywhere, even the bathroom”, Xbox exclaimed. The hooded figure remained silent. As Xbox was about to speak again, the hooded figure raised its…paw? Xbox found himself frozen, unsure what to do. The hooded figure continued, lowering its hood slowly. “No freakin’ way”, Xbox said, his eyes wide.
“Blinx? I - you’re. Ok, I get it. I know it’s been years…”, Xbox started to say as he tried not to freak out, knowing he needed to get out of wherever he had ended up, “But we are in talks to get Blinx 3 and/or a reboot (or perhaps just a skin in Fortnite) off the ground, anyway, I’ve REALLY gotta go!”. Xbox gave a quick half-smile before he ran through his bedroom door, the sole thought on his mind being to get the hell out of there. As Xbox ran out of breath, he was sure he arrived at his front door, but when he opened it, he somehow found himself in his bedroom again with Blinx.
“Well, fancy meeting you here again, I forgot my X-Pen…”, Xbox said with a nervous chuckle. Blinx did not speak, and Xbox snuck a couple looks at him. ‘Wow, the years have been rough on him. Is he even alive?’, thought Xbox. Before Xbox could attempt another about-face, Blinx pointed behind Xbox, and the room seemed to shift. Xbox wasn’t sure he was still in his bedroom, but the door that appeared behind him seemed to be the only way to go. Xbox stepped through the door, unsure of what this grim figure had in store for him.
Xbox, having closed his eyes in going through the door, finally opened them, surprised to end up on a busy street. Xbox felt like he recognised part of where he was, but it was different. Turning around and seeing Blinx still there, he looked around - no one was freaking out, so Xbox assumed either himself or the both of them weren’t visible to the people going about their daily business. Looking to orient himself in the strange but somewhat familiar world, Xbox started to walk.
Nearly everyone had what seemed to be Bluetooth headsets in, but then he saw it - a newspaper. A digital projection from what seemed to be a newsstand. Xbox thought to himself, ‘This is one crazy dream - well, I WAS told I’d be visited by a Christmas ghost, I guess this would be the future.’ Suddenly, a voice behind Xbox rang out, “Muskbox, tell me today’s weather”
“Muskbox?”, Xbox said with a wry smile. “I never thought he’d last this long, but that does seem like a thing he’d do”, Xbox continued, ribbing the hooded Blinx. Blinx didn’t respond, only pointing towards the ‘newsstand’ again. Xbox sighed and turned towards it. There were no physical papers, but he picked up a paper-thin tablet, which started to play a video. The title shocked him: ‘ELON MUSK’S MUSKBOXES - BEHIND THE VISIONARY’S PLANS FOR XBOX!’
Xbox dropped the tablet, and no one seemed to notice. He dropped to his knees. “Wait a second, this can’t be happening! You’re the ghost of freakin’ Christmas Future right? Sure you aren’t the Ghost of Christmas jokes!?!’, Xbox said to an unresponsive Blinx. A voice came from the tablet “This XMESSAGE is brought to you by X, the official government App. ‘If you’re Not X, you aren’t shit!’ The tablet continued, “XMESSAGE of Elon Musk, ‘Of course buying Microsoft was easy, lol. Im releasing Elon X Bros, I mean ‘Elon X Clones’, game every year! Much better than some woke shooter every century!’” Xbox wiped the pool of sweat off his head and continued, “Okay, I get it. The Activision Blizzard acquisition didn’t go as planned. But we have serious plans! I have 16 meetings scheduled to…uh…” Xbox stopped, as Blinx floated in a different direction. Xbox hurriedly followed.
“I’m telling you, Call of Duty is going to right this ship, we’ve also got Game Pass. Do you even realise how many verticals we are hitting?”, Xbox said, only to be stopped after bumping into the decrepit Blinx, who was moving slow in his old age. “Ok, I get it now, you’re going to show me how to fix this, right?”, Xbox said, some desperation in his voice. They had arrived at what used to be Xbox Studios. Xbox rushed in, looking to make sense of it all.
“What? Call of XDuty?”, Xbox said as he walked from office to office, seeing A.I. Elon Musk bots watching workers apparently working on the newest version of Call of Duty. He continued to ascend the building. “There’s gotta be an explanation. We had a solid plan! Mostly! Sure, the FTC was mad at us but…”, Xbox said to himself as he logged onto the company computer. It was no longer Microsoft, but Xsoft, but the password was easy enough to figure out: MuskRulz. “‘Musk buys Microsoft’, ‘Musk reinvigorates directionless company’, ‘Musk plays 4D chess to gain complete control of his new company ‘Xsoft’ ‘ - what is all this garbage?”, Xbox said, clicking through some hidden files on the company computer.
“If you’re seeing this, we’ve failed.” A blurred face said, labelled ‘Xbox employee’. “We thought we could make it in gaming, but we never committed to anything. We tried to make the first sextuple A game and, well…..the new Musk Regulatory Commission was legally able to acquire us after we hadn’t made a Crash Bandicoot game in 40 years, among other things.” Xbox sat with his mouth agape saying, “There’s no…no way.”. Xbox found himself no longer in front of a computer, but Blinx showed him the future, some of it expected, but none of it good for the Xbox brand. “Ok, I get it Blinx, we’re gonna make Blinx 3 in 2025! No more vanity projects, hell, we’ll even fix Overwatch 2!”, Xbox said, grasping his head. He found himself back in his bed, in a cold sweat.
The next day: “I just had the strangest dream”, the three simultaneously sent to the group chat.
FIN.
