Jun 1

Jun 1 PRIDE 2020: I Am Not Unnecessary

The livery options in NFS Heat allow you to say a little something about yourself. For example this one says, “GAAAAAAAY!”

Although I had been hurt before, I found myself incredibly excited to play Need for Speed Heat. Surprisingly, I was not disappointed when it came out. Sure, it lacked a few features like leaderboards and drag racing, but it brought back the customisation the series used to be famous for. Amazingly, this customisation goes beyond just your vehicle; players can choose from a fairly diverse lineup of fully voiced avatars and change what they wear. I picked the most Arab looking guy I could (yes, despite the Dutch girl’s name, I’m an Egyptian dude, go figure) and hopped in my first tuner. I spent a large part of the game driving around in my metallic pink Mitsubishi, my driver dressed up in full hype beast mode attire. I was in heaven.

After completing the story, I kept playing, driving around for collectibles just to relax. I had noticed an almost conspicuous absence of romance between the player character and prominent mission-giver Ana, but put it down to two things: the game not wanting to be “political” with the potential of a same-sex romance and the fact your character is living in her brother’s garage; best not to mess up a good thing. I was ecstatic when, while looking for a billboard to smash through, I got a call from Roshni, a woman who specialises in off-road races, asking me to set her up with Ana. My character gleefully supports the idea and, best of all, does not question it. It is a sweet little moment that made the game feel all the more inclusive. After all, the ethos of the street racers is rebelling against the norm, why wouldn’t they be queer allies?

I brought this up with my friends who I play online with. I asked if any of them had heard the conversation too and one response really got to me.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m all up for some girl-on-girl, but it just felt unnecessary to me.”

I couldn’t immediately put to words what made me feel so uneasy about that sentence, but it brought me to the verge of tears. A friend who had been by my side for the last six years, through my coming out, thought a queer moment was unnecessary. I know he loves me, and I know he didn’t say that to intentionally hurt me, but he did. I was silent for a while as I tried to formulate a sentence that expressed how I felt, but the words kept catching in my throat.

I am very glad this game has a photo mode that really allows you to capture the neon nightmare of Miam- Palm City.

Hetero romances don’t seem unnecessary because they’re the norm, they’re everywhere, they’re shoehorned into almost all narratives. They’re so normalised that I noticed the absence of one, even in a racing game! But, one single queer moment in the post-game was unnecessary… I’ll admit, a street racing game isn’t the first place I’d think to find queer inclusion, but, then again, why shouldn’t it? By no means did Ghost Games make huge strides by including that moment, but it made me happy. And that meant a lot.

It took me a long time to understand my queerness (and I still don’t fully get it). Before I realised I was pansexual, someone thought I was gay because I wore a shirt over a vest on a night out, I’d been invited out last minute and just threw stuff on. A bar manager once said he thought I got on well with the girls at work because I “give off a gay vibe that makes them feel safe” ...yikes. In my first year of uni I confused a gay guy by dancing with him, but I was far too drunk to realise he was flirting and was just happy to dance with someone! Fortunately, despite all this, it never felt like a repressed identity to me, I just discovered it later than a lot of people. Since I was apparently presenting as queer a long time before I discovered I was, I didn’t feel the need to change anything about myself when I came out, I sort of just… informed people. What was so nice about that moment in Need for Speed was just being able to see queer people like me; not flamboyant, not loud, just queer. That was and is really helpful. To be clear, I fully support people who express their identities as loudly and proudly as they want, it’s amazing, it just isn’t the way I am. Straight people have countless heroes, role models, villains. So many people they can learn from. We need that too.

I was surprised by how badly my friend’s comment hurt me. I’ve been playing video games my whole life, so I’ve seen just how toxic people can be. Anyone who had a headset and an internet connection back around 2010 knows just how racist, sexist, misogynistic, and homophobic chat lobbies can be. But, what shocked me about my friend’s comment was the unconscious homophobia it exhibited. Not as bad as the overt stuff more frequently found in Call of Duty lobbies, but there nonetheless. This queer moment made him uncomfortable; he would have rather it not been in the game. That hurt. The porn comparison also made me mad. The notion that queerness was okay as long as it was performative and for the enjoyment of straight people made me feel worthless. By saying a harmless, barely noticeable queer moment, that did nothing but bring me joy was unnecessary, he made me feel unnecessary.

I am incredibly lucky to have been brought up by a fully supportive mother and surrounded by friends of different nationalities and sexualities, so I know it is always okay to speak up when something has upset me. I eventually found the words to express how he made me feel and told him. He apologised and we moved on, we still talk and play games together now! Not everyone is going to be as fortunate as me in that situation though, so be mindful of what you say to your queer friends. Before you imply a game, or a film, or anything is shoving queerness down your throat, ask yourself how often straightness is shoved down your throat. Ask yourself how necessary even the smallest bit of inclusion is. Because that tiny moment in Need for Speed made me feel validated.

It reminded me I am not unnecessary.