PRIDE 2021: Game Characters That Helped Me Discover I'm Pansexual

I am pansexual. This is something I’ve known about myself for roughly two years now, having gone through a few moments of self-reflection in my life as I wondered how I truly felt about myself. As I went through my teenage years, I had a small inkling as to the fact that I may be bisexual due to the various media I consumed and how I viewed it. However, video games were the most prominent medium which I used to help explore and discover my sexuality. 

One of the first games where I started to realise I wasn’t straight was Mass Effect, which I first played four or five years ago. I’d heard how brilliant a series it was and how entertaining the various characters were, and once I started playing, I definitely understood. I enjoyed characters like Kaidan and Wrex, and I found Shepard to be a pretty interesting protagonist to play as.

However, I distinctly remember the first time I met Garrus and Tali. Garrus in particular was a character I’d heard many talk positively about, and when I met him, I fully understood why. His behaviour, his badass aura, and his charming moments of sass made him instantly likeable to me. As time went on, I noticed that I liked Garrus a bit more than just “as a friend”, but I wasn’t sure why. I wasn’t aware of my pansexuality at that moment, and looking back on it now, I can certainly say that I probably had a little crush on Garrus.

A short guide to stealing my heart: ^DANCE LIKE THIS^

This also happened with Tali. The whole history and culture of the Quarians in Mass Effect is a subject that fascinates me, and, like quite a few people, I was very curious to see what she looked like underneath the helmet. Personality-wise, she is one of the most welcoming characters in the game. Warm-hearted, strong and not afraid to stick up for herself. I ended up sticking with these two characters at my side almost exclusively throughout the whole adventure. I ended up crushing for Tali harder than I did for Garrus, but it was still enough for me to consider that I may not be as heterosexual as I thought. 

This continues to be one of the most emotionally powerful screenshots from any video game.

Over the next few years, I ended up having certain “crushes” on several other characters from games. For the most part, I did lean more towards female characters, but I noticed that there were several male characters for who I had feelings of some sort. Aside from Garrus as mentioned above, I also fell for Alistair and Varric from the Dragon Age series (although I was very sad to learn that Varric couldn’t be romanced), Geralt from the Witcher 3, and Henry Cooldown and Harvey Moiseiwitsch Volodarskii from the No More Heroes series. At this point, I was pretty open to the idea that I may be bisexual (I wasn’t aware of pansexuality back then), and I wondered just what it was that drew me to these certain characters. 

This is probably on me for not consuming more anime, but after only looking at this one screenshot I am convinced that Harvey has to be a major inspiration of Yusuke in Persona 5 right?

Looking back, some of it was purely aesthetic. For example, Harvey from No More Heroes is a stage magician and his outfit reflects that. It’s outlandish, it’s loud, and it’s a demonstration of someone full of confidence, dressing how they want and making it work. In a similar vein, Henry Cooldown’s outfit is one of refinement and class. He wears smart trousers, a clean white shirt, high boots and a black waistcoat. Henry is much more reserved than Harvey, preferring to unveil his skill when necessary. I noticed that I really enjoy certain types of outfits, especially suits. It’s been years since I actually wore a suit, and there aren’t many occasions within my day to day life where I would wear one (even outside of the pandemic), but I really love someone that can pull one off. 

For other characters, it was because of their personality. The biggest example of this is Serana from Skyrim. Thanks to the time I spent with her in the Dawnguard expansion, Serana was the first companion character I ever noticed myself actually caring about in a game. You see, during that point in my gaming life, I was someone who preferred to complete games solo if I could help it. I never travelled with companions because I wanted to be alone, away from anyone that would judge me for my actions or annoy me with repetitive dialogue.

Why are dangerous vampires with evil red eyes always so hot?

And yet, I found myself being ever more drawn to Serana as I spent time with her. She was complex, and the internal struggle she battled regarding her life as a vampire (as well as her views on her father and his actions) was something I wanted to help her with. I cared about her so much, in fact, that my character continued to travel with her after the events of her storyline were finished, and I’d never done that with a companion in a game before.  

Since then I’ve become much more open to spending time with the digital characters I’ve been paired with in games. Alistair from Dragon Age: Origins and Parvati from The Outer Worlds are both utter sweethearts, willing to put their lives on the line to protect their friends whilst still remaining pure at heart. Elena from Uncharted is willing to follow Nathan Drake to the ends of the earth, but she’s certainly not a pushover and often helps to ground her husband, all whilst being a brilliant and complex character away from him. Varric from Dragon Age is sly, cheeky and loyal to the end, and he has a great taste in fashion. And I can’t leave out Keira from the Jak & Daxter series, who was my very first video game crush way back when. She’s a badass, she’s a technological genius and I still adore her to this day. 

Ok, real talk. Nate is punching ridiculously above his weight and Elena could do better at the drop of a hat.

Nowadays, I’m confident in my own sexuality and I know who I am, and I’m thankful for the various media that helped me figure it out. It’s made my gaming “relationships” much more interesting as a result, and it’s helped me discover characters that I would likely have ignored in the past.